Have you ever experienced a moment so intense that you’d swear time had slowed down? You’ve heard it said that we can’t change the time we are given, only how we use it. Well, that’s not exactly true. I’ve discovered that by changing how we use it, we can change the time we are given. This is what we as a species have been seeking since the dawn of our existence—immortality. My name is Emit Trotsid and I am the world’s foremost pioneer of lucid time distortion. I’m going to share my technology freely with the collective human consciousness. I will teach you how to claim what’s rightfully yours; but the question is, what will you do with that time?

That’s my marketing pitch. At least, it used to be before the paranoia, headaches, and premonitions.